Maybe Baby

I’ve been asked a few times if we plan on trying again for our third child.

If you would have asked me right after the miscarriage, I would have said yes.

You would think I would have been hesitant, but I was so determined to have another baby.

I wasn’t scared of it happening again, I was optimistic.

One of the nurses at the hospital chatted with me about her recent loss, and that she was pregnant again after only two months (the doctor recommended three before trying again). It was inspiring to me, that someone else had been given another shot so quickly.

But if you ask me now, I don’t even know how to respond.

Do we want to risk it again? Do we even have the space for another kid, since we’ve moved to an apartment in the city? Even if we did have the space, do I even want another baby?

I look at my two girls and I’m so happy. They drive me absolutely insane sometimes (all the time), but I’m content with them.

Now that we’ve moved and I have access to a gym with daycare, I’m working hard to getting back in shape. Even if I can’t make it to the gym, I still make time to work out at home—I follow this workout plan and I love it. I’ve been doing it on off days. Do I really want to get huge again and start all over?

With an apartment and a mortgage, can we even afford another child?

The more I thought about it, the more doubts I had.

In my mind, if I wasn’t 100% sure, then it’s a no.

I want it to be a yes, but everything is telling me no.

I’m not sure how I will feel in a month, or a couple months or a year. Maybe I’ll catch baby fever again, or maybe I’ll just continue to be happy with my family of four.

It’s funny how your feelings can turn from one extreme to the other.

It’s funny how fitting into a pair of size 5 jeans, which hasn’t happened since high school, can make you change your perspective.

I just want what’s best for me and my family.

So right now, if you ask me if we plan on trying again, I’ll probably just say no.

Ask me again next year, when I hopefully have abs 😝

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